Saturday evening, we had reservations to Buca di Beppo in the Pope room. It was AMAZING! There was a huge round table with the biggest lazy suzan that you have ever seen. I'm not sure what food we ordered, but it was really good. I felt it was more authentic than Olive Garden but then again, I'm American so authentic food usually tastes gross. It has to be loaded with fats (usually cheese or fried), salts, or sugars in order to taste good. Yummmm, diabetes ah, I mean, American food....

I was full and so I got Jack duty. He was pretty squirmy and so when I started to have sharp pains, I figured it was just the combination of Jack being wiggly plus the food moving through my system. It felt like I had to go to the bathroom really bad but after I "went" and I still wasn't feeling well, I still just figured that it was bathroom pains.

Then, I started to get really nauseous. By the time we got home, I was on the edge of puking mostly because of the pain. Tyler gave me a Tylenol and it helped for a little while but after 2 hours of being in pain, I thought that maybe I should head to the ER.

As soon as we got to the ER, I was so happy that I had gone but I wish I would have gone sooner. But you know when you don't feel well, you're not sure if you REALLY don't feel well or if it's just you. There were 2 people in front of me waiting. One lady looked pretty sick and kept on dry-heaving. I definitely threw up after hearing her.

I thought the ER operated on triage. Ya know, the person who is in the most dire situation, goes in first? Well the puky, dry-heaving girl went in first. She could still walk and talk. I don't think I could have walked to save my life. I was in so much pain. The only thing I could compare it to was labor pain. I was a 10 on a pain scale. I don't know what happened to that lady but I think I'm safe saying that I was probably 10x more in pain and needed medical attention before she did.

I was called back after only 15 minutes (which seemed like an hour) and the nurse completed all of the preliminary procedures to get me admitted. I was sent to a room and I waited, and waited, and waited.

I was in SO much pain. It was the most pain I have ever felt in my life. It was a severe sharp pain right in my pelvic area that radiated out to the rest of my abdomen. The nurse came in and started an IV where she gave me morphine. Precious, precious morphine. It lowered my pain to a 6 but it would wear off every hour. I guess morphine is supposed to make you feel woosy and light headed. I didn't feel any of that. Jen, my nurse, said that she can tell the people who are in true pain because they don't feel any side effects. The pain overrides it. Interesting....

The morphine helped when they did the ultrasound and the pelvic exam. When they did the ultrasound, the technician wouldn't let Tyler come and she wouldn't let me look at the screen but I knew by then that it was probably an ectopic pregnancy. I still held on to the hope that it was a ruptured cyst since I had one when I was pregnant with Jack and I would have been so happy if it was appendicitis (even though it was on the wrong side) but I just knew that I had lost the baby.

When the OB came back into the room to explain the test results to me, she said that I had an ectopic pregnancy where my Fallopian tube had ruptured. My abdomen was so tender because I was bleeding internally and I would have to have surgery.

Less than an hour after that, I was in the OR and then I was out. I remember waking up and feeling so much better pain-wise.

I was in the hospital for less than 24 hours, lost a baby, Fallopian tube, bled internally and had emergency surgery. It just happened all so fast.

Really, it feels as if I was never pregnant because I never was able to see the ultrasound of the baby, hear the heartbeat, or feel it move. It felt as if I just had my cyst removal surgery again.

Then, there are times where I think about it and I realize that I'm not going to be holding a new baby in July, I'm not going to be pregnant this summer, and Jack isn't going to have a little brother or sister then. When I think about that, on top of all the other pregnancies around me, it does make me sad. I don't resent or feel and hard feelings towards anyone who is pregnant because their pregnancy has nothing to do with mine being ectopic but it is a harsh reminder of what I don't have.

What makes me most upset is that this was only my second pregnancy and I know I want to have more. Now my fertility is cut in half and while I will ovulate every month still because I still have both ovaries, I only have 1 tube. The doctor said that the tube MAY move over to the ovary that is ovulating and "pick up" the egg but that it doesn't happen very often. My options that I have is to take drugs to make me super ovulate so that I am guaranteed to get an egg and he said something else but I was really tired then and I can't exactly remember.

At first, I was really upset but now I'm okay with it. I need to take time to get my body healthy again and to lose some baby weight from Jack. I am going to start up running again in January because I will have half as many credits and won't be sick. I may even train for a half but I'm going to have to REALLY muster up some motivation for that.

*sorry for any typos, I was watching Yo Gabba Gabba while typing this and couldn't really concentrate.


Jenna said...

I know you got my note on Facebook but I want to reiterate how sad I am for you and sorry that happened. That is not an easy thing to go through. I am glad you were on top of things and got it taken care of before it got worse. I am sure your heart is hurting. Maybe training for a half marathon would help take your focus off the heartache of losing your baby. Plus I'm sure you'd feel really good about yourself after doing that.

Yo Gabba Gabba is awesome. We love it around here.

I hope you get to feeling better soon!

Tyler and Kelly said...

YOu are so strong! Hang in there. THinking of you!

Becky said...

I have been thinking about you a lot lately. All of the emotions you described in this post are very real and I understand them on one level or another.
When we lost our baby, 6 of my closest friends were pregnant. One was due on my due date. Like you said, I didn't blame them, but it wasn't easy watching them have something that I had lost. It made my hurt more real. I know it will be hard for you to have Nichole and I both pregnant right now. I honestly know how it feels. I hope you know that I really do understand and that I will be as sensitive as I can be. Hang in there, and when the time is right, you will have a baby in your tummy again.
Go run that half marathon girl! Love you.

Ann Barlow said...

I know that I can't understand the pain you are going through, but I do understand and believe in the incredible miracle of the healing that the Savior and His Atonement can provide if we but let it. You are strong, and I am glad to hear that you are recovering well. I am here for you if you need ANYTHING! It will be fun to be even closer for at least another semester.