Lets talk about warts.

Yes, little buggers that pop up on you after you have held a frog that peed on you and nasty growths on witches noses. They are not a pretty growth that you would like to have but then again, which growth is?

Before we moved to the grand recycling and green (in more ways than one) state of Oregon, I began to have this pain on one of my heels. It was like a tiny pebble was stuck in my shoe and was constantly pushing on one spot on my foot.

Well I won't bore you with the details but soon it began to hurt. Like a mother flucker!

You can put the two together. Running + painful sole's = worse pain.

At first, I thought it was because I bought crappy shoes. It was back in January and I didn't want to invest in a nice shoe only to lose motivation and lose the $$$ as well. I got L.A. Gear and they was $19.99. This must be the reason for my plight, thought I.

I realized that I should probably invest in a good running shoe so I went out and bought these:

Cue angelic music.

I make love with my Saucony's whenever I run. We have a special relationship that nothing can penetrate.

I thought that would help. Obviously from my previous statement, it didn't.

Well what's a girl to do but call a podiatrist, of course! But the thought of going to a doctor that not only went through 4 years of medical school but also went on to specialize in feet. They've got to be some odd ducks...but I didn't really have a choice. It was painful!

The real test here was working with insurance. Talking to your insurance provider to work out medical issues and payments is probably the best thing in the world. I'd put it up there with getting married and birthing your first child.

Isn't it so much fun to call 3,000 people before getting the right information to only realize that you still have the wrong department? Something about it just makes me feel so fuzzy inside that I want to singlehandedly become the next Mother Teressa.

In reality, it wasn't all that bad this time. I called. They told me to find a contracted doctor. I did. They told me to call back to preauthorize. I did. They told me I'd be set. I wasn't!

On the day of the appointment, I call to preauthorize and they tell me that treatment of warts, corns, calluses, and bunions are cosmetic and that they would not be covering them.



Oh yes, it's not the excruciating pain from walking/running that bothers me. Nor is it the fact that when I sit down, I can't put any pressure on it because it will cause my heel to throb. Really, I just think that it looks gross. Even though I'm still married doesn't mean that I let myself go. I've got to look extra fine just in case Hugh Jackman comes along looking to take someone on an Australian adventure. What if he saw my heel? How embarrassing would that be?!

I mean, yeah, I can see their point of view. It's not like I HAVE to get it removed to go on with life. Oh, but while they're at it, they might as well include this in their exclusions:

1. Epidurals- It's not like women HAVE to have these to give birth. Really, women-who-get-epidurals? Grow a pair and expel that child out of your womb like it's 1889!

2. Substance Abuse- It's their fault anyway so they should just suck it up.

3. Surgery- Really, if you can live with it, then why go through it? What, you have a tumor growing off of your face? Awwww, sorry, I think you just want that off to look more pretty and not because it's causing you severe pain.

I looked it up in the student insurance handbook just to be sure and I found it. Right there. Cursed policy that was written by a bunch of sadists.

**On the upside, they DO allow coverage for external breast prosthetics (but not breast pumps. WTF?). Maybe if I pull some strings, I can gets me some new boobs after Jack is done effing up these ones I have by breastfeeding.

All in all, the podiatrist was very kind and helped me out above the call of duty! I'm thrilled to get this wart off of me and have my foot be in a ying-yang state once more.


Jenna said...

I've never had any warts but my sister has. I hear that they only appear on some people. I guess you're not so lucky.

I totally LOL'ed about Hugh Jackman.

Maynards said...

Honestly Jessica,
I will not be suprised if one day your blog just explodes with viewers. You are an amazing writer and you are hilarious. I can say that your blog is by far my favorite one to read.
Sorry about the ward. Dang.

Nice pick on the shoes. Those are the exact ones I wear and I LOVE them! Enjoy. (once the wart is off)