So, Foxes Make Good Pets, Right?

I have a fascination with foxes.

I can't be sure of when it started. I wish I could tell you it was because I was raised by them or that a fox was my labor coach or that I was wounded in the forest once and a fox brought me gathered wild berries and fresh stream water (sans giardia lamblia).

No, actually, it was probably from something lame and mainstream like The Fox & The Hound. Ugh, I hate being such a conformist.

But it explains why I've wanted one of these pooches for as long as I can remember.
Can you see the similarity?

'Cause, you know, owning a wild fox would only result in scratched out eye balls and probably some parasitic worms and rabies.

But then I found out about this:

In an ongoing evolutionary experiment, a team of genetic scientists selectively bred silver foxes to see if they could become domesticated. Well, about 50 years later, they succeeded and because of funding issues, they now sell some of the pups!

Once I found this out, it was like inception. I became obsessed with the idea that I could own my own fox!

Could you imagine going to the park? No, dummy, this is my pet fox. Get it strait.

What's even cooler as that the institute breeds foxes without devil eyes like the one in the picture above (and wearing your hair in a I-just-woke-up-from-a-4-hour-nap ponytail is not required. SCORE!). Sure, a possessed fox would make for a great conversation at a dinner party but I would like to keep my soul from being possessed, thank you very much.  So, after the lemon chiffon cake, I've invited a priest to exorcise me. No biggie, it's just that I have a hair appointment tomorrow and my stylist said that she prefers me to NOT bleed out of my eyes when she cuts my hair. Hair people, they're such witches.

So because I'm an inquisitive gal, I emailed the institute directly and asked them about their fox pups.

Basically they told me that it would cost $3,000 just to buy the fox, not to mention shipping and importation shiz. I'm thinking I can forego the expenses for papers and whatnot because I can just let the importation officers pet my fox in lieu of payment. And I mean that in every literal state possible.

Of course, who has about $5,000 laying around to spend on a fox? Not us.

I had to convince Tyler somehow that a pet fox was more important than having a vehicle and eating for the next 3 years. Don't get me wrong, I completely believe in my cause. I'm willing to sell my kidney on the black market but Tyler...he's gonna be a hard one to convert on this one. He was there for me when I wanted him to pick up a dead owl 1/2 a mile down on the side of the road so I could use its feathers for jewelry, only to find out that it's actually a federal offense to use owl feathers in any way so I ended up just throwing it away in a bag like some owl serial killer, but something tells me that's his limit.

When I ran my proposal to get a pet fox, he reacted in an unusual way. He said nothing. Normally he scoffs at my absurd plans, or rolls his eyes, or throws up but this time, nothing!

I think he thought I was kidding.

Do I sound kidding to you?

So it looks like it's up to me to figure out a way to save up my money and buy my own pet fox. I'm thinking of something along the lines of selling weapons to war lords or getting a sugar daddy. Every cigarette burn and STD will be worth it in the end. Anything for you, my future pet fox. Anything.

Or maybe I could just get 5,000 people to donate $1 to my cause and then it will be the people's fox. A blogosphere fox!

What do you think I should do to get the money for my pet fox?
And don't say, "Just don't get a pet fox". That's not an option, okay?! NOT an option.

7 comments:

Gentri said...

foxes have been my favorite animal, for as long as I can remember. I've heard about the domestic breeding and they're smarter than dogs! I would die to have one. The red foxes are my favorite, but I'd take any.

Ann Barlow said...

I LOVE hearing about you trying to convince Tyler of your totally realistic and worthy dreams!

Tara said...

Jessica,
There is a website dedicated to people like you (albeit, people who have SANE dreams like studying abroad in Italy or spending a summer holding disabled orphans) called www.gofundme.com.
You get to set up your own personal page for people to make donations. You'll fit right in on the Animal & Pets page along with Buddy who needs Chemotherapy Treatment and Rex who needs Vet bills for his hip replacement. Try it out!

Jenna said...

Jessica. YOU REALLY DID THAT WITH A DEAD OWL?! I have no words.

As for the foxes ... I had an obsession with owning a hedgehog a few years ago. But then I found out they're not even legal in many states, Arizona included. I was heartbroken.

DaNelle said...

The owl! You should have saved it for your pet fox to play with!

DaNelle said...

The owl! You should have saved it for your pet fox to play with!

Sarah and David said...

Get a chicken coupe and sell their eggs!