My Very Stupid Thing

I actually do this often. Maybe I'm too hard on myself but sometimes it creeps up on me and when I'm least expecting it,  I'll remember some stupid thing I've done and BAM! I've gone into a resent-life coma. 

Every time I slip into these, I feel like excusing myself from the room so that I can lock myself in a closet and rock back-and-forth for comfort. My thoughts consume me! You ignorant b8tch, consumption is the same as TB! Why did you raise your hand in class. You deserve nothing! Not even your hair. GO! Go shave off all of your hair your unworthy piece of shiz.

And then just as quickly as it comes, I think, Eh, it wasn't that bad...  and I am back to my normal self.

But when I remember something so awful, so stupid, so bad, I find it best to tell Tyler about it. That way, when I think of the memory again, I remember laughing it off with Tyler instead of wanting to curl up and waste away.

This has recently happened and now I am sharing with all of you because, well, everyone loves to laugh and realize that you're not the only person who has done stupid things.

Let me start by saying that I had kept my innocence until about my senior year of high school. Call it sheltered or call it whatever you want but the fact was that I didn't understand things of sexual nature at all. Even saying the word, "sex" was pretty much confess-your-sins-worthy in my eyes.

I was really young too, guys. Probably 13 or 14 so you know my level of understanding was still at the "the baby is in mommy's tummy" stage.

So one night, the stake president came for an informal visit. I was always super jealous of my younger sister because she always knew the right thing to say. She was always the one that would win the adoration of visitors and sister's boyfriends alike. She was just so witty and cute while I sat there with my buckteeth and shallow chin.

But not this time! Oh no, a new Jessica had come to town and I was about to wow these visitors with my charm and humor. I was going to tell an awesomely funny joke that I had heard recently.

Everything was going great until I hit the punchline.

No one laughed. Actually, I got a pity laugh which is worse than no reaction at all. I couldn't see why. The joke was so obviously hilarious. 

It was only after they had left (hastily, I might add) that I had it explained to me that I had just told one of the dirtiest jokes that I know, to this day. Then again, I don't know that many dirty jokes since I tend to like punny jokes.

It sufficeth me to say that the punchline was, "...because M&M's melt in your mouth, not your hand."

Oh yes, I had just told that joke to my stake president!

Oh sure, NOW it's funny but even typing that out I still cringe a little inside. Tyler laughed and laughed when I told him my Very Stupid Thing and now you can too. 

This is why I now stick to Laffy Taffy jokes and jokes like, "What did the mommy buffalo say to her son as he left for school? Bison!"

C'mon, that one's a crack up!