Blueberries Give Me Ulcers.

I want to lose about 7 more pounds for summer. If I do, I’ll be back to my weight when I was first married which I would have never thought was possible. I thought I was just destined to be little chubs-chubs. I thought that it was just in my DNA and that I could never be considered “the skinny girl”.
 I haven’t been juicing at all lately but I didn’t go full out eating Micky-D’s McButter McMuffins. I’ve been eating all raw for breakfast and it has helped me maintain my weight which is awesome but I wanted to buckle down and really get things going. So in hopes of shedding that extra weight, I’ve changed some things.
I’ve started juicing again in the mornings which has helped. Last week I lost a pound but then the weekends are what kill me because we usually visit the in-laws. I try to be as good as possible but I also do let myself be ignorant sometimes. Um…this is whole wheat, I think.
I don’t beat myself up too much about this because I still do really well about eating.  I still eat zero sugar and white flour and I only eat chicken and turkey in terms of meat. Everything that sounds yummy, I make homemade which eliminates mysterious ingredients.
 On the flip side, I like my sleep as well. I could sleep for 3 days strait. People would think I’m in a coma. I just love my sleep so much! This means that sometimes I don’t have time to juice in the morning but I do my best.
Yesterday was one of those days. I had an early meeting to get to but really, it was probably a normal-time meeting to everyone else but since I usually don’t come into work until an hour later, it was early for me. Remember what I said about sleep?
So in a rush, I packed a pear, banana, and some blueberries. I figured I could eat while I was in the presentation/meeting. Plus, there would be at least 150 people there so it’s not like I would be distracting. As I pull out my blueberries and begin eating them silently, the person next to me leans over and sneers, “You can’t have food in here.”
Okay, it was true. The sign said “No food or drink in auditorium” but I’m always the exception to the rule because, let’s be honest, that’s a dumb rule. That sign was meant for the teenagers and people-of-walmart type adults that bring fatty Cheetos and hot dogs in and munch on them loudly with bits of cheesy and mystery-meety slob coming out of their mouth and then wipe their groty cheese-covered and mustard fingers on the seats.
Umm, I’m eating organic blueberries, people and I’m not a 3 year old where I’m going to smash blueberries into the cracks of the seat and spill them all over the floor. And I portrayed all of this fierce emotion in my blank expression and continued to eat.  I’m fine.
Just as I was eating, a single blueberry fell from my grasp. I could almost see it in slow-motion as it fell to the base of the stairs and then it dramatically zoom into close view, like in the movies. *panic* Crap! I HAVE to get that blueberry back. It’s all that my life means now!
The next 15 minutes seemed like forever and that motherbleeping blueberry was taunting me, jeering at me. Stupid blueberry, why do you have to be so fat? I can’t stuff 3 in my face all at once when you’re so fat like that! It’s your entire fault. You made me look like a fool!

I had to sit there and wait for the right moment to sneak over to the stairs and snatch up that little shiz excuse of a fruit and the more I waited, the more hysterical I became. I was so sure that everyone was smirking at me with a superior look of their face. They seemed to say, “See? Can’t you read? THAT’S why you don’t eat in the auditorium.” I was close to standing up and running out dramatically crying and then for added measure, I would purposely trip on the way out in front of everyone. Shut up! You’re all stupid! You’re all just some stupid, stupid-heads that eat Cheetos and wieners. Just stop it, okay!?
The next thing I knew, it was break time and I snapped out of my frenzy. I practically dove at the blueberry and nonchalantly tucked it back into the Tupperware as if I had just noticed, Oh someone left this here; I’ll pick it up because I’m a responsible adult.
I didn’t eat my banana or pear for the rest of the day; I already have enough fiber in my diet from the blueberries without adding more humiliation to my fruit escapades, thank you very much.

1 comment:

Becky said...

I am laughing so hard right now...almost as hard as I was laughing when Tyler told me you got him a mastiff for fathers day. That will teach him for giving you a gun on your Birthday. :)