I'm pretty sure my gym thinks I'm crazy. Okay, I take that back, even though I am the most sane-looking person there, I'm pretty sure I am the least sane-minded in that junction.

Oh I have proof to back up my theory too. Here I give you the situations I often find myself in.

White as Wonder bread:

To get "pumped up" and "in the zone" and any other cliché running term that you can think of, I'll sometimes listen to my "gangster" music. The kind that really has no tune when you think about it and you can't understand what's going on half of the time. It makes me feel bad @$$. It's as if after I am done running I'm ready to go up to guys pumping iron and say something tough like, "You eyein' my piece fiddy cent?!"

Okay, you caught me. I would never say anything like that for fear of being called the "R" word *whispers*racist. So even though I don't speak it, my gangster alter-ego is still raging inside of me and I feel like this:

When in actuality, I look like this:

If you can imagine the sweat and pathetic-ness of Napoleon mixed with the smug looks of the gangsters, you can imagine how I would look. It is not a pretty sight.

Weird Worm:

Sometimes when I am having just a fun, easy run (you'd think that would be an oxymoron, but it isn't), I like to listen to something different than my rappin' brothas (Wow, can I be any more white?). This is where podcasts come into the scene. Weird Worm is one that I particularly love which talks about all sorts of crazy shiz and they are HILARIOUS!

So while I am working up a sweat, I'm also laughing out loud which, when you really think about it, would be quite odd to see. It would be like seeing one of the pioneers crossing the plains randomly busting up over apparently nothing.

And then the other pioneers would be all like, "Dude, why are you busting up? My feet are freakin' frozen because of the ice and we haven't eating a decent meal in, like, 8 days. What? You think nutritional deficit diseases are funny? Huh?!"

To which the other pioneer would be all like, "Oh actually, no, I was...Okay this is awkward. Um...Pod.........casts..."

The story would be much more credible if they had podcasts back then. Maybe the pioneers wouldn't have to resort to games like Stick-pulling.

Gollum Days:

Then there are days where no matter how loud and ghetto the music is nor how funny the podcasts are, I am counting every millisecond until the darn workout is over. This is where Gollum-mode steps in. You know the part in the movie where Sméagol has his schizophrenic internal conflicts? Capture that essence and continue.

Me: "Okay, this isn't fun. I think I'll just go 3 miles instead of 3.5"

Alter-me: "NO! Don't stop now! Stopping is for pussies!

Me: "Yeah but, I mean, I'm breathing really hard and my legs....my legs are breaking apart".

AE: "So? You think anyone who was good at anything got where they were because they took it easy? NO!"

Me: “Oh, I have to think about that one for a while...Well I guess that's true...Maybe I can't do it then. Maybe I'm destined to always be running 3 miles and never any more."

AE: "Seriously? That's what you think? You can do this, just go a bit further."

Me: "But 'a bit further' is still 1.5 miles! I could have sworn I just ran 8!"

AE: "OMG, you're such a wimp..."

This pretty much continues until I finish but until then, my face plays through all of the emotions. It awkwardly winces and contracts in a frenzy while I try to play it cool as if I could always run 14 laps with ease.

Even with all of my mind-games I played, I was actually able to finish my mileage for the day and learned an important lesson: My body can do more than what my mind will allow it to.

Oh and pretty much be prepared to pay for therapy along with your gym membership. Saggy, naked ladies in the locker room are not pleasing to the eye.


Maynards said...

Bahahahaha! You crack me up. But maybe it is so funny to me because it is true of me as well. Gotta love running!

Jenna said...

Oh, Jessica. You are so WINNING!

Erin Anderson said...

Hahhaha! While I don't consider myself a gangster because I usually watch shows like The Talk or Ellen while I am that gym I can side with your gollum days. I definitely do this. I say wierd things like.."You are so close to your goal, you have worked so hard, you can do this! " HAHA! I'm glad to know other people have days like this too

Ann Barlow said...

hahahahaha! We should write a REAL book together! I love the way you tell stories.