Really, Etsy?

You! Enter my giveaway.

Plus, you can enter my other giveaway from Yours Truely's Etsy shop.

Ah, Etsy. Sometimes it can go so right like with my giveaways mentioned above and the front page features. But sometimes it can go so wrong. Oh, so wrong...

But these next items are just too good not to share. It's a segment I like tocall, "Really, Etsy? REALLY?!"
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Number 1) Have you ever been smoking outside of K-Mart in your mom jeans paired with a tweety bird shirt and while you're waiting for your step-son to buy his collectible Pokemon trading cards you then say to yourself, "Man...my lighter is so boring and totally makes me look like a poor person. I wish they had classy lighters..."?

No? You've never been in that situation before?

Well perchance that you may, there are these:

Lighter Decorated

Lighter Decorated

Yup! Now you can get a totally classy (and not to mention gorgeous) lighter that says, "I'm totally beachy and classy because I've got shells on my Wal-Mart lighter". Forget the obvious fire hazard present because I'm completely convinced that once you have one of these bad boys, you will instantly be popular, rich, beautiful, talented, thinner, and smarter.
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Number 2) You know me! I'm all about savin', savin', savin!! Don't you dare throw away those slivers of soap, I could use those someday and don't even think about burning my stack of newspapers from 1993!

So if you've had a brazillian wax lately, ask the salon ladies if you can keep the hair. Seriously, I've done it many times and don't worry, the stares and judgements substantially fade over time but first, you've got to ask!
Why should you keep that unwated hair? Because you can always turn it into one of these:



Needle Felted Pig -  miniature Nerd pig figure - 100% merino wool - Pig With Attitude
Perfect for snuggling to sleep with!

This nuzzle-worthy cutie is perfect for pretty much anything! Christmas, birthdays, Bar Mitzvahs, baby showers, funerals, and everything in between.


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Number 3) I read somewhere that one can grow spiritually closer to Ryan Goslin by crocheting more than stalking any other craft. It's true. Crocheting was a lost art form only to be used by the Amish and grandmas (and probably Amish grandmas, for that fact). But now? It's totes "in" to be all Amish except for the plain clothes and electronic abstinence and to be grandma-like except for the smelling like death and incontinence.

 I've always said, you can never go wrong when it comes to crocheting. When you are essentially taking one, long piece of string and forming it into a series of knots, you know that anything that pops out is going to be genius. Including this bad boy:
 Crochet Push Digestive System

 
I 've always wanted to cuddle with my digestive system and now I can!
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Number 4) For some reason, it's "in" to look like you wrestled with a chicken and got their feathers stuck in your hair. Maybe it's the whole I-look-super-natural-like-I-dance-naked-in-the-rain type idea. Thankfully it's slowly fading away but not before THIS:
Pet  (or SHORT HAIR) Natural 5 Feather Hair Extension : Salon Grade Whiting Feathers - Free micro link clamp 


I'll give this one a pass because, hey, everybody just wants to fit in. Even dogs.
Like I've said before, if you want to get ahead in this life, do everything as humanly possible to not look poor. Yes, get into debt, steal, cheat, and lie to look like you've got your shiz together. When it comes to opportunities in life, you're goining to get judged right down to your dog so you'd be a fool not to have your pooch lookin' sharp.

So you know what? I'm mad. I'm mad at the people who DON'T put feathers in their dogs fur. Curse you genetics for having Johanna's fur too short for feather extentions. Do better, people because if we don't, then the terrorists win.


What crazy things have you seen on Etsy lately?

3 comments:

Ann said...

Not sure a pig is a good gift idea for a Bar Mitzvah ;) And no, not because it's covered in crotch hair...

Jessica Belnap said...

Oh yeah. Probably not.
But the good news is that they have lots of Kosher-friendly animals there too! Win-Win

Sarah and David said...

you crack me up! I was laughing at each one of these. I'm planning on getting one of those lighters for when we have company over and need to look more classy when lighting the candles on our table.